Coming to terms

It's been a long time.

It's been a long time for various reasons.

Today I have decided to complete this post after having contemplated on finishing it two months ago.

Today I have decided to forget that I'm a student pursuing a gruelling post-graduate course that usually eats up my Sundays.

Today I am not free.

I wrote my previous post sometime in December. I  know that unlike the past two years, I did not bother to come up with my usual year-end ramble about how much 2014 meant to me, my experiences that year, etcetera,  etcetera .

The reason for this exception isn't anything very special -  I'm still trying to hold onto the past year and the much-deserved warmth it infused in me. I refuse to accept that 2015 is another new start as every year has always been, or rather, has claimed to be.

The one thing I miss the most is the summer of 2014, especially our whirlwind trip to Paris and Switzerland. Out of the two destinations, Switzerland felt more like home to me; a second home that I had previously been unaware of, a home that had existed all this while, quietly, amidst snow-capped peaks and lush green meadows. This time we decided to deviate from the usual hotel accommodation, and chose to spend three days in a chalet owned by an old Swiss couple. Why did I fall in love with a locale and setting as humble as this? There are answers to this question, of course. I could owe it to the balcony overlooking the Alps, or to the contentment of letting words run in my diary whilst the mountains gave me company, to the wisps of smoke arising  from my coffee one particularly cold morning, to the wooden flooring, to the joy of wearing winter clothes and boots after a winterless year, to the winding streets of Grindelwald that led to an old station which could transport you back in time, to the snowman we built, to being overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the rugged yet kind nature that greeted us everyday, to being a part of the quaint surroundings - oh the list is indeed endless.

Every minute spent in the country that wasn't my own, counted, and more so because I knew what awaited me back home. I wanted to push away my anxiety and worry regarding academia, temporarily.

Though the holiday blues took a long time to fade, the year turned out to be a great one. What I have been left with ever since, is a dull craving to somehow experience it all once again, though dejavu will never be the same.

I have been asked to, or rather, been telling myself to stop myself from clamming my head with too many questions and expectations. I find myself wondering if I would have indeed done better, had I left this city to pursue my academics elsewhere. Would I be still loathing myself for being so dependant on my parents for everything? Would I still be that person to whom everything comes easily? A good university within the city, a fabulous vacation, good grades, a steady relationship with a good boy,  good food, and good friends. I'm probably jinxing everything good in my life by flaunting it on social media but the fact is everything good doesn't guarantee one hundred percent satisfaction.

I have gone on severals rants bout my dissatisfaction, and I have noticed that it's one of those things that lasts temporarily, fades away, only to sneak into your routine sometime later. And folks like me express it through words whilst there are some who find other mediums of venting it out. Also, I can't help but notice how stoic I sound.

As much as I would like to deny the fact that it was change that made the whole international experience so memorable and that it's the lack of change I have been sensing all this while, I have to come to terms with it. On one hand, it scares the s*** out of me on the other hand I guess it's the only thing that can guarantee some peace. My close friend told me that living on my own is a lot harder than I think. It will be really hard but I guess that's what I need. Change comes with a price.

It's turning out to be a long post, but who cares, I'm amazed at my train of thoughts. 2014 was a great year, because at some point it seemed like a year different than the rest.

It's time I acknowledge this year and appreciate it for its worth.

I have two examinations due this week and I'm not free. Coming to terms with that isn't so hard. 

Whatever

Whatever is my favourite word.

Because it seems to sum up everything that I'm unable to articulate appropriately. Does that even make sense?

I am feeling quite disappointed today. As a matter of fact, currently I'm more than disappointed. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm sad. And I'm Whatever.

Let me keep it simple and say that all the wonderful plans I had for December (with folks, of course) have gone kaput. Moreover, I can't seem to conveniently hold anyone responsible for my disappointment, and that's the icing on the cake (which has been burnt black in the oven). I could blame it on the situation, but, situations are unfeeling, heartless entities that decide to change their minds on a whim.

Life seemed to have been stationary, and pretty much humdrum a while ago (I just read my previous post). I'm glad that I enjoyed that phase while it lasted.

I have a major entrance exam coming up, and I'm nowhere close to finishing a syllabus that is easy yet endless enough to keep me flabbergasted all the time.

I shouldn't keep time for whatever. Whatever, is out of question. Whatever needs to be replaced by focus, books, and more focus.

Maybe a little party and good wine could be thrown in. After all, 2014 is round the corner. Though, I'm unhappy that 2013 is already on her way out.

I'll be off to Munaar for a week's getaway. See you soon. And a Happy New Year.

Or whatever.

Untitled.

Hi.

I could copy paste the first paragraph of my previous post, but in simpler and more blatant words, writing has taken a backseat. Probably the backseat of a bus headed to Timbaktu.

I should be studying for an examination that is due on Saturday. But, I'm spending time with a friend called Procrastination as of now. Friend is partially to blame for my sluggishness and couch potato-ness. Should I apologise?

I'm not dissatisfied or unhappy or frustrated, or anything of that sort. Strangely enough, everything seems to be stationary. Sometimes, I tend to forget which day it is and important dates such as birthdays. Sometimes, when I look out of the window and observe the sky, I feel as though the clouds haven't really moved. They're all still. Two pigeons visit my balcony every morning, and Mum has conjured a harebrained story about them being reincarnations of my late grandparents. My day is incomplete without filter coffee, "Romedy Now", "Lost", books, and my very faithful cellphone, not to mention social media.

The only things that are liable to change are my shower timings and sleep pattern. I have also been munching on 'Little Heart' biscuits. I haven't had time to explore new places for photography. I think I'm going to the railway station on my own during the winter break and capture various scenes out there on my camera.

Music hasn't been exactly forgotten. I anticipate some worthwhile jamming sessions with a friend. So that's good.

As much as I would love for some spice or masala in my seemingly mundane routine, I think I'd like to secretly savour the monotony because I know deep down that routines are liable to change, and that I might not be able to get this time back. I feel like some major change is imminent. It's like the lull before a storm, but,\ this time the storm may not be a storm. It could be something pleasant.

I think I'd like constancy for a change. I hate pigeons, but if they are supposedly my thatha and patti, I don't mind indulging in their company.

Cheers.

V Day Poem by Anju

"I'm not one for roses or chocolate hearts
Heart-shaped balloons, teddies
Or greeting cards
Nor endless words suited for the occasion
Or a fancy date at a fantastic location
All I need
Is one look of that stupid grin
Etched on your face,
Or hear the random stuff
You usually say,
And that my dear,
Will make my day!"

I wrote this randomly to this one friend, and I was amazed by my sudden burst of creativity!

Really.

I apologise for the miniscule illustration.

And urm..yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

Me, Myself and I

I read an interesting blog post this April during the A-Z Blogging Challenge - "N is for Narcissism. It made me think. I can recognize a bit of narcissism in everyone including myself. Yes, even those who claim to keep their so called egos aside in their refrigerators.

An overdose of narcissism -  you are what people term as egocentric - having an inflated sense of self esteem that will piss others off.  It's okay to feel narcissistic to a certain extent because someone who shows absolute lack of narcissism suffers from a lack of self-esteem, which isn't good either.

It's so very hard to hear someone else out (Unless you are the quiet listener, refusing to talk about yourself.). For instance, when my friend went through a bad break up and was having a terrible time coping with it, he turned to me for support. And what did I do? Listened to him for the first five minutes, and then narrated my break-up story for the next half an hour, throwing in useful tips that I  considered, might help him.

It's not just me. I have been in my friend's position as well. This one time, I screwed up my performance in a college event by getting cold feet in the last minute. I was very upset that day and decided to talk it out with my friend. Instead, I ended up listening to her chatter about her first stage experience and her stage fright. It was supposed to make me feel better but it didn't. I hadn't called her up to hear her banter. This was about me.

What makes you think that I'll feel better after listening to you talk about yourself?

It's so very hard to be the patient listener-cum-adviser. You would always want to relate everything to yourself.

All my friends treat me as their personal diary. 

For many, it just takes a second to launch on a self ramble.

You:"How have you been?"

Me:"Oh nothing great in particular. Just working that's all."

You :"Oh okay. I  went rafting the other day. Then I visited Lavasa. It was raining, and was so beautiful and..."

You may call it being insensitive, but, it's omnipresent - this mild hint of narcissism. Everyone likes to comes first at some point or the other.

Else you wouldn't be normal.
Eeeps.

I had to add the last line. :-P

Happy Endings

I watched a Bollywood movie after ages. It had a godforsaken plot which ended depressingly with one of the protagonists dying. It was pretty intriguing,,but, that ending destroyed the initial happy feel.

I don't want to discuss the movie. I don't like watching my favourite characters die, especially if they are cute. Aargh!

I'm a sucker for movies with fairytale endings. Okay, sometimes I wish my life were a movie with all the drama, emotions, ups and downs (and ups again); a superb climax (obviously) leading to a perfect finish, and ta da it's done! And of course, a brilliant background score to complement it. Ek dum masaaledar, as a typical Indian movie buff would put it.

 I first thought liking happy endings was kind of lame because harsh, brutal endings is what life is about and movies portraying this aspect are mature and realistic, and if one likes such movies, well ehm..ermm... one's considered to have a good taste.

Movies gotta be real. And all that.

I brooded over this for sometime and realized that I prefer the former, make-believe aspect of movies. I know the what the real thing is about. I know my life isn't a movie. But, indulging in predictable, yes even stereotyped fantasy is nice for a change, an escape from uncertainty.

Say guy X, whom I adore, who is a friend, who doesn't see me in that light, who already has a girlfriend to whom he is going to propose, suddenly realizes that he has got it all wrong (when he is already on his knees, mind you), and comes running to my doorstep to  say "It's you I have been looking for." and then pulls me close. My favorite Gary Cherone song playing in the background. Roll credits.

That's a movie (with cheesy dialogues).

Realistically speaking, I would receive a get-a-move-on slap on my face from life. My best friend would say "The sea is full of fishes! Don't worry!". Else something else would come up to distract me. No background music.

Now this is real.

Yes, it's not exactly what one wishes for. It's not stereotyped. It's far from being predictable. There is a plot, nevertheless; a plot that keeps one in dark for a lifetime. The suspense is exciting. But, sometimes the suspense tires me. I wish events could be a bit foreseeable now and then.

Solution?

Watching corny flicks occasionally.

And they lived happily ever after.

Of lurrrrvvv and ze heartiz

The highly anticipated week of February is here! It began on Tuesday, technically speaking. But. Like. Finally!

Hello there.

Oh wait.

OMGGGG!!! IT'S VALENTINE'S WEEK!!!!! <3 <3 <3

The hearts can go on. And on.

And so can the teddies, the Facebook status updates,  roses, chocolates and the superb profits that the Archies outlets are in the process of making.

So it's Chocolate Day today. Did I eat a chocolate? Yes I did. An old Five Star bar from the refrigerator.

Rose Day flew by. It struck me today, when my friend was gushing about some random guy who gave her  a yellow rose. An OMG moment. I decided to feel happy for her. Really.

So what if a really cute guy had given me a RED rose?

I wouldn't have hyperventilated.

I would have just felt flattered. After all, who doesn't fancy compliments?

Do I belong to the passionate haters of Valentine's Day, week, etc? And all the sappiness and hype surrounding it? Not really. I don't believe in condemning it completely. It is a big deal for many. A very big one. But not for me. It had always been a normal day for me, minus or plus boyfriend. Slightly nightmarish last year, considering I had my Physics practical exam (The Boards, mind you) that day. Otherwise, pretty much hunky dory.

Yes I wouldn't mind feeling a teeny weeny bit special that day. You know.

Minus all the Valentine Day paraphernalia.

Do I detest the OMG status updates and comments on Facebook? The baby-I-love-you-more-than-anything-else-in-this-world posts and all those virtual kisses and hugs? Ooof. Course I do. I would cringe and probably paralyze in embarrassment if my boyfriend sent that to me.

Why Facebook? The exclusivity is lost when such things are thrown open to the world. All those mundane 'likes' to such posts make me squinch further.

The next thing I'm going to say will sound mega cliched. But, you ACTUALLY don't need a week or a day to profess your affection or love for someone. But if such a day does exist, there's no crime in going with the flow.

As Gary Cherone sings,

More than words
Is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know
 
How fitting is that? :)

Whatever, people. Take your pick. No compulsion.


P. S : Happy Valentine's !