Bachhpan

Learning to let go is hard. But when you do, the relief you experience is fabulous.

But I’m still in the process.

I miss Bombay. I miss Goregaon East - Vishal Housing Society. 4th Floor.

I miss how my grandparents exclaimed, “ANJUUU!!” reflexively, when I rang the door bell.

I miss their eager, excited faces on seeing my family and I, after months.

I miss the verandah. Especially Aanchal’s ayah glaring at me from her window.

I miss the smell of filter coffee wafting into my room at 6.A.M.

And the aroma of lemon rasam emanating from the kitchen.

Birthday cards arranged on the shelf behind the television.

Karishma's phone number scribbled on the white label stuck on the receiver.

The bathroom tiles.

"Goodnight" mosquito coil plugged in Thatha-Paati's room.

The detachable bed rest.

Sun TV playing on the television.

I miss watching Paati doze off while watching the television at night.

And thatha resting on his bed (his throne, so to say), gazing at the window opposite him  - a crushed cigarette butt on his ash tray, an empty tumbler with dabara on the side table.

I miss the smell of Paati’s closet, the dressing table ke neeche waala cupboard, and her numerous hankies.

I miss the halls, rooms, bathrooms,windows, grills, vessels, empty Bisleri bottles, showcases, and the unused crockery arranged in those glass cupboards.

So many small things. The inhabitants. Details.

And all those infinite memories attached to them, and bonded to that house.

Drops of Earth

"Baarish kabhi bhi ho, apna dil gaata hai."

- Puru (Lambutang from Tumblr)

It rained yesterday, finally! And I had earlier cribbed about mucky bike rides to college and all that. I can bear with them for the time being.

Because, it’s a wonderful feeling when the raindrops touch your face; a cool breeze blowing from all sides that make a whooshing sound as you ride.

Because the smell of Earth is tantalizing.

Because it’s lovely to hear the sound of drops on your windowpane when you wake up.

Because you know that finally everyone is happy. Yes, including the birds and other creatures, that have been craving for moisture.

Because after a spate of rainless months with the black clouds playing hoax, the drops of earth have finally arrived.

Happy Monsoon! :-)

Big Plans

Why is everything going against my favor? I want a lot of stuff to happen. To agree. All that wishful thinking to come true.

Do you hear me?

It's a question that bothers every believer.

I have my own staunch beliefs. I don't pray everyday. But I do think of you everyday. I just need to know if things will be alright.

Do I have to join my hands, bow my head, cross my legs, and recite prayers to get what I want?

I keep reassuring myself with the thought that you have big plans for me. I know you do. I can't wait for them to get actually implemented.

I'm not a practical person by nature. I am very impulsive, and I usually let my emotions take control of my rationality.

It's not like you don't read my mind. You do.


I remember a song I haven't heard in ages. I switch on the radio, and I hear it playing.

I miss my best friends terribly. I crave to see them. I receive a message from them stating they will be in town soon.

The minute I become over-confident, something brings me back to ground level.

I get a premonition that my grandfather is going to leave us forever very soon,and sure enough he does.

Is it a coincidence? Or are there omnipresent invisible detectors you have set up, to discern my musings, my speculations and intuitions?

I don't know.

I know you care. Sometimes everything moves so fast that I find it difficult to breathe, while sometimes it trudges drearily. How long should I wish for better circumstances?

I'm running out of whatever little patience I had, conserved so carefully.

Me, Myself and I

I read an interesting blog post this April during the A-Z Blogging Challenge - "N is for Narcissism. It made me think. I can recognize a bit of narcissism in everyone including myself. Yes, even those who claim to keep their so called egos aside in their refrigerators.

An overdose of narcissism -  you are what people term as egocentric - having an inflated sense of self esteem that will piss others off.  It's okay to feel narcissistic to a certain extent because someone who shows absolute lack of narcissism suffers from a lack of self-esteem, which isn't good either.

It's so very hard to hear someone else out (Unless you are the quiet listener, refusing to talk about yourself.). For instance, when my friend went through a bad break up and was having a terrible time coping with it, he turned to me for support. And what did I do? Listened to him for the first five minutes, and then narrated my break-up story for the next half an hour, throwing in useful tips that I  considered, might help him.

It's not just me. I have been in my friend's position as well. This one time, I screwed up my performance in a college event by getting cold feet in the last minute. I was very upset that day and decided to talk it out with my friend. Instead, I ended up listening to her chatter about her first stage experience and her stage fright. It was supposed to make me feel better but it didn't. I hadn't called her up to hear her banter. This was about me.

What makes you think that I'll feel better after listening to you talk about yourself?

It's so very hard to be the patient listener-cum-adviser. You would always want to relate everything to yourself.

All my friends treat me as their personal diary. 

For many, it just takes a second to launch on a self ramble.

You:"How have you been?"

Me:"Oh nothing great in particular. Just working that's all."

You :"Oh okay. I  went rafting the other day. Then I visited Lavasa. It was raining, and was so beautiful and..."

You may call it being insensitive, but, it's omnipresent - this mild hint of narcissism. Everyone likes to comes first at some point or the other.

Else you wouldn't be normal.
Eeeps.

I had to add the last line. :-P