Thursday, 29 December 2011

Words that make you smile :)

Those old message archives containing those smile-inducing conversations, always have their place in your heart.

An invisible hand hits the Rewind button in your head.

You go back to the time, place and situation when that particular conversation took place. You compare it with the situation now. A wave of nostalgia washes over you. You laugh if it's funny. But you become sober, once you realise you are not in touch with the person anymore. The reason for that could be anything. Academics. Job. Misunderstandings. New friends. Changes, in general.

I chance upon a year old chat conversation on the Yahoo message archive.

I smile. I laugh. I smile again, because I know in this case, nothing has changed. It's the same situation. I hope it remains the same. I hope we stay in touch for a long time to come.

Cheers to our friendship.

This I dedicate to one of my really close friends, Saif. :)

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Goodbye 2011

With only a few more days left for the year to end, I'm confused. Do I feel glad that this year is finally coming to an end? Or do I feel depressed and plead it to rewind, in order to undo all those instances of foolishness and probably change some decisions too? Not that it's gonna ever happen. Just wishful thinking after all.

Cliched but true, you can't really dwell on the past. I'd prefer keeping a backup of all the good memories and overwrite on the bad ones. :)

  • The twelfth grade farewell party (the after party technically speaking :P), in February. The eagerness to adorn a saree, the overwhelming compliments, the excitement that hung about the air that evening, escaping the school grounds right under the teachers' nose, dancing to Sheila Ki Jawani over and over again, hooting, screaming, going hysterical, clicking photographs, tears and goodbyes .I realised I would miss school, especially Junior College, my friends, the campus and the teachers (to some extent :P). The sudden pang of sadness I felt after it ended, was unforgettable.

  • Of love, hearts and the like.  February, 3 A.M in the morning, a phone call and an extremely sweet message which will always remain in my head. The beginning of rosy days :).

  • Bye Bye BOARDS! The sense of freedom I felt once the gloomy cloud of Board examinations had cleared, was awesome. Sunshiny days of April. :)

  • Watching India win the world cup! Oye Balle Balle Shava Shava!

  • Discovering my writing skills. Credit goes to Akoustik! :)

  •  Sàwàtdi Thailand!
    A well deserved, week long getaway to Pattaya and Bangkok, in May. Family time, para sailing, underwater sea walk, safari, SHOPPING and Tom Yum soup.

  • Madness with Sammy and Vedant! I had fun babysitting my extremely cute cousins who flew down to India from Seattle this June. I love you both! :)

  • A successful treatment :). Nothing could more relieving than seeing my grandfather respond well to Chemotherapy. Less stress, more smiles and gratitude to God's grace.

  • New friendship and the craziness that lasted from June to August. Adding the Buge twins on Facebook, actually meeting them when they flew down to Pune from Minnesota, was a great experience :). More friends, more fun, Coffee, Pictionary, prank calls, hysterics, clicking pictures and other random stuff.
    I miss you both!

  • Turning Eighteen!
    The most memorable birthday ever. I can't thank my family and friends enough, for making my day so special.

  •  Dio :D
    My biggest birthday present was my bike (scooty sounds lame), Dio. I feel relieved to be freed from the dependance on rickshaws and buses. Whew!

  • Friendship
    I found a best friend in Saudamini Oke, my school buddy. Ironically, we got to know each other after school ended. College hunting, late night chats, jamming, singing, coffee, writing, break ups and other such ups and downs, played a major role. We found comfort in each other's company and all I have to say to her is, I love you Sodapops! :)
  • The Weekender!
    November 18th. Amazing-paisa-vasool-rocking experience which ensured that everyone, from the artists and audience to the volunteers, had a blast. Check out my post on this one. :)

  • The Girl from Australia
    My best friend is back! Well at least for two months. Hello happy days! :)

  • The best Christmas weekend
    I don't celebrate Christmas, but, the festive air, a house packed with relatives, movies, shopping, wine, cake and delicious food was indeed some sort of celebration. :)

    The year isn't over yet. New year's eve is yet to come. Another addition to the happy list. :)

    P.S : 2012. The year when the world comes to an end. Gaah to Roland Emmerich. Let me graduate before that happens.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

A stupid conscience

Why can't I be mean to anybody without experiencing this gnawing sense of GUILT, post meanness?

Random person X doesn't entertain lengthy conversations and cuts me off midway.

I try to induce some dryness in my response. Some rudeness. Try to give X a taste of his/her own medicine.

Later, I feel


Sunday, 11 December 2011

A letter to my blog

Dear Akoustik,
The year is drawing to close. Every year brings with it, some new elements, that maybe pleasant or unpleasant. As I contemplate over the elements that have surfaced this year, I realise you have been one major element, one that has helped in encouraging my skills at writing. Thank you :)

You are a significant part of Me. My first ever stint at writing. You instilled some confidence in me and helped me vent out a potpourri of emotions, be it delight, nostalgia, sadness, excitement, anger or frustration. My close friends admire you. You are special. A loyalist. I know you are going to be there for me irrespective of other changes that will take place in this much-hyped turbulent journey called Life. (unless Blogger decides to shut down, which will be the most unfortunate day of my life.).

I hope my posts get better as time passes. So that you become a better entity. :)

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in advance.

All I have to say is,

I love you

A.K. :)

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Deja Vu.

हर साल वोही कहानी ...

It's been happening since the past three years. Ever since 2008, to be precise.

Enter Mr.X.

Not necessarily a guy over whom I end up having a major crush on.
Friend's friend. Friend's brother. Friend's boyfriend.

He seems to find me interesting.

Initially he associates me with words like Sensible.Smart.Sweet.Pretty.Cute.Fun-loving.

No one's perfect. A very cliched line I know.

Soon he realises that I have flaws. That I don't put up with bull****.

Scene change.

Now he associates me with words like Annoying.Short-tempered.A wee bit frank.Abrasive.Nagging.

Leaves Mr.X.

Friday, 2 December 2011

A live gig at last!

An air of excitement.
An ever-increasing crowd swarming around the heavily lit stag like fireflies attracted to a glowing lantern.
Getting mobbed and elbowed by people.
Claustrophobia coupled with anticipation.
Screaming oneself hoarse as the band members/ artistes make their entry.
Hooting and cheering that would split your eardrums.
Craning your neck to a get at least a glimpse of your favorite artiste or band.
Jumping up and down, swaying to the tunes.
Bellowing loudspeakers that make your heart bounce up and down.
Dancing in drunken stupor.
The smell of weed and tobacco hanging heavily in the air.
When beer breath fans on your face.
Oblivious couples getting cozy and romantic, in the midst of Imogen's performance.
Exclaiming, "That was the SHIZ dude!", as the show comes to an end.

Summed it up pretty well I guess.

I have never watched any band perform live. I experienced it for the first time at the 'Nh7 Weekender' music festival, a fortnight ago. It was brilliant. Unfortunately I couldn't attend all three days of the festival; ended up missing out on gigs performed by 'Indian Ocean', 'Scribe', 'Swarathma' and the likes. Boy, was that disappointing. However, watching Imogen Heap, 'Raghu Dixit Project', 'Advaita' and 'Soulmate' perform was great and we did enjoy ourselves thoroughly.

One gets to see all sorts of characters at such events.
The ardent music lovers who definitely know what fusion, folk, alternative, electronica, metal and jazz is about. Then you find the wannabe music lovers who pretend to lip sync Imogen's 'Speeding Cars' and have a fake-mesmerized look plastered on their faces when Advaita's Ujjwal Nagar sings his 'aalaaps'. You see the mindless hooters, who yell "ONCE MORE!" after every song. The crazy drunks who head bang to jazz tunes. Also those, whose faces are covered by a cloud of cigarette smoke. The poor souls who have been dragged to this show by their friends, openly show their lack of interest, by fiddling with their cellphones whilst the frenzied crowd jumps to Raghu Dixit's 'Mysore se aayi'. Amidst all the various sounds, you also hear the passionate cynics' annoying buzz. "Haha, do you call that singing? Imogen sucks bigtime!".  I have mentioned the romantic couples who make themselves conspicuous by indulging in passionate embraces and kisses.

Ah! these shows are not as unadulterated as they seem to be at first.

I wasn't a big fan of indie music earlier, but now I definitely am. Also, I can confidently say that I belong to the category of ardent music lovers. Yes. Yes.

First.When you experience anything for the first time, it never fades from your mind . The most memorable. Be it good or bad.

It really was the SHIZ.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

The Kolaveri. ;)

Okay in spite of being a South Indian, a Tamilian, to be specific, I detest Kollywood and its creative songs; the typical 'dabangkootu' (hardcore) numbers, with the stereotyped mrindangam and dholak beats, not to mention the heavy use of nadaswaram. I am generalizing of course, but there are the likes of Rahman and Illayaraja too, who compose great tunes.

So here's to twenty-one year old debutant music composer, Anirudh Ravichander, whose song 'Why this Kolaveri' has grabbed my attention and also a cosy spot in my head, so that it can replay over and over again. Silly but funny lyrics, a catchy combination of acoustic guitar, piano, mrindangam and nadaswaram, sung by South Indian sensation, Dhanush (whom I really don't care about), it has definitely become a YouTube virus, receiving  over a million 'likes' within five days.

Kolaveri? A rage to kill. I have felt the kolaveri too.


Wednesday, 16 November 2011

The way I am ;)

As of now, I don't not know you.
But mister, whoever you are and whenever you decide to make a grand entry or may be a low-key entry into my life, just take me the way I am.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Whatsapp dude?

Okay. So I'm not an Android person, neither am I an Apple person, nor am I a Blackberry person.

I was a Nokia person once upon a time.

Now, I'm an outdated Samsung Corby person. I know it's not as brilliant as the above mentioned phones.


My father bought me a Corby Pro 5310 this year since my poor old Nokia phone was dying.
Yeah I did do my homework before buying this phone. I read about Androids. Blackberry and Apple were strictly a no no. An Android wasn't really expensive either, just 1K more than a Corby.

The world yelled ANDROID! But I settled for a Corby. It was an instinctive decision. Moreover, my dad had a point. An Android boasts of innumerable applications or Apps. Apps which I wouldn't require. I would only require 10% of the phone ; Messages, Calls, Camera, Music Player and a bit of Facebook thrown in. (Okay not a bit. A lot actually.) The Corby looked impressive with its red slider keypad, in spite of the lack of better Apps. (I bet someone is gonna read this and go, "Jesus.You bought this phone because of its appearance! Jackass!"). The Corby fulfilled the essentials, it looked good, it also had WiFi connectivity, something which my old phone lacked. I was satisfied. I still am.

The Android is ideal. I remember my cousin praising Google Maps on her Android. "I'm not kidding. Once I was inside Aarey milk colony at like 11:30 in the night all by myself. It was so scary. I used my maps to make sure I was going in the right direction! Go buy an Android!"

It imposes on my very humble Corby Pro which has a mediocre resistive touch screen (I feel so techy using such terms) and also lacks the App which is currently very popular - WhatsApp! I will now shift my focus from my phone to WhatsApp because, honestly speaking, my mind has been numbed by hearing all the praises heaped on this wonderful application.

I am not criticizing it. I think it's a cheap alternative to text messaging close ones, who live on the other side of the globe. But there is a catch. This fantastic and very awesome application is supported only by Android, Apple, Blackberry and the Nokia smart phones.The creator of this application obviously overlooked the poor old normal phone users. (Yes Corby is very normal. Very second-rate.) The application is not supported by the usual operating systems. We have been (normal phone users and I)deprived of the joy of WhatsApping our loved ones!

Facebook chat

Me : I haven't spoken to Christina in ages. She is so busy. Poor thing.

Friend 1 : Busy? Erm yeah she has been a bit busy. But there is always time to WhatsApp!

Me : What?

Friend 1 : Whatsapp? Don't you know what that is? It is the best ..
....I chat with her throughout the day at regular intervals.

Me: Oh.Great.I can download it too,alright.

Friend 1 :  You have a Corby right? Haha not possible! Your phone doesn't support this App.

Me: Are you sure?

Friend 1 : I guess so, that's what I have heard. Who cares I have my Blackberry!

All hope is not lost.

Friend 2 : Hey!

Me : Hi! Will a Corby Pro support WhatsApp?

Friend 2 : WhatsApp isn't meant for sad phones! No it doesn't. Why?

Me : Never mind.

At some point, I did wish for an Android. Herd mentality, they say.

I look at my phone and play with the slider. Whatsit sorry Whatsapp maybe awesome, but I love my phone way too much.

So much for ownership.

Sunday, 13 November 2011



P.S : I do not own him.


The expression on Taffy's face sums up what I'm feeling right now.


Saturday, 12 November 2011

The Lobby

I think I must have mentioned that I love to think, analyze and reminisce...

Took a break from my mundane books, went out for a stroll to gulp in some fresh air. It definitely awakened my dull senses and I felt much better. I retraced my steps back to my building, pressed the elevator button and waited as the elevator made it's way to ground floor, all the way from the eleventh.

As I stood in the lobby, waiting, it struck me that this was one place which had a thousand memories associated with it. The times when my friends and I used played 'Lock and key', 'Corner to corner', 'Grandma's footsteps' and several such games with quirky names! Those good old blissful days, when we were ignorant and naive. Our lives revolved around school, family, jumping and romping about with friends aka playmates.

A change of scene. The lobby knows most of my secrets. Though it has eavesdropped on every heart-to-heart conversation I have had with my best friends, it has never divulged the details to anyone. It knows about all my crushes, the boy-who-must-not-be-named, my deepest woes and worries. I remembered those quiet evenings, when I sat on the stairs, feeling troubled and sad. The lobby comforted me with its stillness.

What about those times when I was in great mood and began humming a random tune or singing a few phrases of the latest Bollywood number? "My name is Sheila, Sheila ki jawaani, I'm too se..." Oops. My voice reverberated off the walls of the lobby, making a thousand faces  peep down at me from various levels.
An old aunty, getting into the elevator would encouraging say, "Gaao beta! Gaao! Dil khol ke gaao! Gaana acchi baat hai!". Well that was more embarrassing than encouraging.

Fast forwarding to the day before my best friend left for Australia. The tearful goodbyes were imminent, but we munched on Kurkure, as we usually would, on any other day. "Dude, whom do I irritate now? I won't be able to send you SMSes from Australia." she sighed. "Right, you won't be there when I celebrate my eighteenth. Loser." I retorted. "Can't you cancel your fucking tickets?" I asked her for the millionth time.
"You never get tired of asking me the same question, over and over again, do you? I WISH I COULD!"
she answered, yelling almost. We burst out laughing. The lobby laughed along with us.

"Hey, what's that thing behind your bum?" she asked me curiously, on finally noticing the flat, cardboard box, which contained one of our best photographs, mounted on a beautiful frame. "Damn, I was waiting for the right moment to present it to you. Nevertheless, go ahead, it's all yours." I smiled. She ripped open the box, stared at the photograph. "Wow." she said slowly. As we hugged each other, trying to hide our tears, which wouldn't stop, the lobby cried too.

The elevator reaches the ground floor. The metallic doors open just as the way  Ali Baba's cave opened on the words 'Open Sesame'. I snap out of my reverie and walk into the elevator.

"Close Sesame."

I love you lobby. :)

Sunday, 6 November 2011

When time flies.

They say that children with working parents tended by servants or babysitters, to whom the child is nothing but a source of their income, face neglect. My parents, being exposed to the corporate world, had always been busy, each day being stressful, with mere Sundays for repose. It would be quite wrong to say I was neglected. I was never neglected, there was no dearth of affection. There were no babysitters, no maids, but paternal grandparents who spoilt me with their attention and care. They had always been in the limelight of my life. Life without them would have been quite different.

Thatha (grandfather) fed me, bathed me, cleaned my poop, put me to bed, lifted me, took me around on his back, spooned dirty horrible medicines into my mouth when I was ill, dropped me off to school, then fetched me, forced me to complete my homework, made me cry when I got Math problems wrong, cheered me when I stood first in class, bought me the best birthday presents, the list can go on. This man was more than a grandfather to me.

Patti (grandmother) was my favourite playmate, who made me the winner in any game we played, who never got tired of my tantrums, a storehouse of stories, who had the amazing talent to create her own tales and songs, who comforted me when I was low, who bombarded me with her persistent questions, who helped me get dressed up for birthday parties, who loved watching the latest movies in the movie halls and theaters, who ate ice creams with me, who loved clicking photographs with me in various poses, who, in short, was extremely fun loving. The kid within her came alive when she was around me.

The first nine years of my life were sheltered, pampered and shielded from worries. Hakuna Matata! It surely sums up those nine years. Friends weren't as important to me as my grandparents were. They were my caretakers, my best friends, my second parents besides actually being my grandparents.

My life has obviously changed drastically ever since I moved to Pune.

Initially I used to feel their absence in my life. I would eagerly await their monthly visits to Pune and likewise, our visits to Mumbai. I used to hate it when I had to bid them goodbye. Getting used to a new life was difficult, nevertheless it did happen, gradually.

Changes are inevitable, they say.

Being a pre-teen had its ups and downs. I could feel myself changing, physically and mentally. I won't deny it, I had a low self-esteem problem. I always underestimated myself. I could never picture myself as someone popular among her friends. Dad would constantly reprimand me for my changed behaviour, as an offensive nature had crept into my personality, which included a lot of back-answering and bad attitude. It's only when my grandparents visited us, that I got some respite from all the yelling and scoldings. After all I was still my grandad's baby.

Hardly had I become familiar with puberty and it's ways when  it was time to say hello to teenage. It wasn't really different, except that as the years flew by, friends grabbed the spotlight and my grandparents receded into the background. Some confidence was infused in me when I began nurturing my talent in music. And so it was, music and friends, not to mention academics. From calling from my grandparents every week, it was reduced to calling them twice in a month. "Hello thatha, hi paati, eppudi irruke?" (How are you?) . Some talk about studies, music , friends, etc. "Okay take care, talk to you soon, love you."
That's all.

Old age had set in a long time back, but the signs hadn't manifested in my grandparents. But soon enough, they made themselves visible. Gall bladder removal, spondylosis, arthritis and what not. Yet they made it a point to visit us, at least once a year and vice verse.

I noticed that I didn't feel the pang of sadness, the way I used to feel it a few years ago, while bidding them goodbye. "Is that a wrong thing?", I asked my mother. "You are growing up. It's not wrong. Not at all." was her reply, with a smile.

The phone calls reduced. The visits reduced. I became oblivious to the fact that my grandparents missed me terribly. Everything was at its peak ; I was doing well, academically, musically and socially. I didn't realise that my one phone call made all the difference to them, rejuvenated them and broke the sad monotony of their old lives. I forgot that they had been there for me when I experienced panic attacks before any examination, when I was ill and even when I was happy. Had I grown up way too much?

Realisation was still to dawn.

My grandad was detected with cancer early this year. Stage Four, the doctors said. It would be a miracle if an eighty year old man could cope with the horrible side effects of chemotherapy, which didn't promise a complete recovery. A lot of hassles at home, tension, arguments and tears. It was as if someone had burst a bomb in my happy and easy-going life. My grandad had always been there, irrespective of the fact that I hardly stayed in touch with him. The strong man. And now cancer? It was as if my worst nightmare had come true.

A flashback in my head. The good old times, the walk down to my school in Mumbai, eating ice-creams at our favourite ice-cream parlor every summer, solving Math sums, the tasty beetroot soup that awakened my taste buds when I was down with chicken-pox, watching 'The sound of music' together, Diwali shopping, sharing a huge plate of fried fish, every small memory of which my beloved grandfather was part of, ran through my head. The large lump in my throat, it was unbearable. Tears. Temporary relief.

I always pray when I am desperate. (Guess that's what everyone does? Apart from those who completely refrain from praying.) It was a day before my Physics examination. Newton, electromagnetism, electrical circuits,optics, laws and formulae - Bet these were things running through my classmates' minds.  Me? I couldn't care less. My grandfather's first ever chemo treatment was due the next day. And so I prayed.

Call it a miracle or God's mercy but Thatha has responded very well to chemotherapy. He has always been resilient, strong and practical. Faith and optimism helped him tolerate the bitter side of the treatment.
I now know what gratitude and relief truly means.

Cancer is unpredictable. It can resurface anytime and create havoc. Thatha hasn't recovered completely but he is in a much better postion than what he was in, earlier this year. Praying for his long life would be quite wrong.Senescence is never a boon. My grandparents have definitely crossed the 'ripe old-age' . A fulfilling, painless life without suffering is what my grandparents deserve. I couldn't ask for anything less. Or anything more.

Thatha's favourite spot is his bed, right opposite to the television. My day begins by having a cuppa coffee with him. He lacks the energy and breath to actually move around. He keeps himself content by reading the newspaper, by watching his favourite programs on the T.V, by having his meals on time and by sleeping.
However, what satisfies him the most is the time he gets to spend with me. My mere presence gives him all the support and a gladsome smile etches itself across his face.

It's end of the day. "Good night, Thatha." I say, with a smile on my face. The look of pleasure on his face fills me with warmth as he wishes me a pleasant night.

As I watch him drift into slumber, almost childlike,  his old, wrinkled face touches the tenderest point of my heart and moistens my eyes. I realise time has indeed flown past. :)

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Not knowing what to do with yourself.

Okay I know I'm blogging like there's no tomorrow.
You have been advised.
From doing something.
Because your well wishers don't want you to get hurt.
But you don't pay heed to all that and end up getting hurt.
Now what?

"I won't wait for you." says time.

I have my University exams coming up within the next two weeks, but I all want to do is blog.
What about blogging when I have all the time in the world?
No inspiration. No ideas. My vocabulary goes into hibernation as well.

But time is running out.
And I better get started.

Monday, 31 October 2011

Small joys :)

It's just one of those days when I sit thinking about those things that actually bring a smile on my face. :)

1. Strings, especially the fifth and the third. Don't ask me why.

2. Random messages from friends. Depends on the extent of randomness.

3. The taste of South Indian Filter coffee

4. A fully loaded wallet

5. Digging my feet deep into sand

6. Drinking tea out of a porcelain tea cup

7. Reading an engrossing book on a chilly night, cuddled up in an extremely cosy blanket.

8. Blue ink pens

9. Yellowed pages

10. The smell of old books

11. The hair-style transformation after I step out of a beauty parlour.

12. When my favourite song plays on the radio..

13. Unexpected holidays!

14. Staring into a dog's eyes. The warmth and the friendliness radiating out of them.

15. The feeling after having had a good cry

16. The smell of Pear's soap. It's my favourite. :)

17. The early morning breeze

18. The stillness and quiet of the house when everybody else is asleep.

19. Mornings minus the frequent tantrums thrown by my sister.

20. Playing with Mum's hair.

21. Blogging haha :)

22. Crayons and sketch pens

23. The smell of Dad's cupboard

24. The shadows that my bedside lamp throws on the marble floor

25. Clean windows

26. The smell of chocolate

27. Red sweaters or pull-overs

28. Road trips!

29. The sudden crazy temptation to buy everything, on entering a mall.

30. Airports :)

31. Take off! Zwoooooosh!

32. Landing! Thuddd!

33. Watching B-grade movies in a flight out of sheer boredom. Ironically, they stay in your head!

34. The smell of burnt matchsticks

35. A good hair day

36. Birthdays!

37. The satisfaction after resolving a misunderstanding

38.Passing by particular places and remembering the memories associated with them.

39. Family vacations!

40. Staying up till 3 in the morning, chatting with a close friend. :)

41. Stalking cute guys on facebook

42. Catching a cute guy staring at me

43. Saying hello to kaamvaali bais :)

44. When gulps of water relieve my parched tongue and throat

45. The perfect facebook profile picture

46. Bathroom singing

47. Strumming random tunes

48. The effect of inspirational books, movies, songs ,blogs etc

49. Resting my head on my Paati's (grandmother) lap

50. The smell of Paati's saaris

51. Ponds talcum powder

52. Getting excited to meet an old friend after ages!

53. When someone replies instantly to my SMSes

54. Storing memorable messages in my inbox and reading them when I feel low.

55. Wearing new clothes for the first time!

56. Salivating on seeing my favourite dish when I'm ravenous

57. When pimples recede from my face

58. Satisfaction on scoring well in my exams!

59. Being punctual on rare occasions

60. Raindrops on my face :)

The above list follows no sequence.
 Shall be updated, time and again


"You can give everything you have to a person. You can love them with all you have. Then you realize they aren't the person you loved. You loved someone who was made up. You opened up to someone who couldn't even be honest about who they were. And you sit there feeling repulsed at yourself. How could I have missed this? You ask yourself angrily. How could I have been so naive? 
You start to reflect on every moment, every touch, every laugh. Was it real? Was any of it real? When's the last time things were right? And you just make yourself sad. You dig yourself a deep hole and you just sit in the bottom of it alone. Wondering why you ever gave in and trusted someone in the first place. "

- 'the musings of a wannabe star'

I have always been extreme when it comes to emotions. Be it love, anger, sadness or fear.
I overreact. I hyperventilate. I get extremely curious. When I open up to someone I pour out all my woes and worries to him or her. I analyze, ponder and worry too much.  I'm predictable. I get easily provoked. Overly affectionate, may I add. I can give my one hundred percent to someone I'm dearly fond of.

And that's when the trust breaks.

I never thought I was one for crying. Tears never spilled out that easily from my eyes. It had to be something earth shattering or nerve racking that would make me break down. But soon enough I was proved wrong.

I loved dearly. I'm still afraid to let go. I lie to everyone and to myself about things being okay. Nothing is okay. My best friends are tired and annoyed of suggesting the same thing to me over and over again. Forget it. Forget everything and everyone you associated with it. Let go. If someone affects you so much, the ideal solution is to keep yourself away from him . But do I pay heed to all of that? No.

Recently my friend's boyfriend tried to convince me to distant myself from this individual. He could read my mind. My stubbornness. My weakness. My sadness. My inability to avoid people. My fear. He could very well see that I was stuck at the bottom of a deep hole, and was struggling to get out of it. Hearing him point out my flaws infuriated me. I am used to people expressing their views diplomatically. Not boldly or bluntly as he put it. I was angry but deep inside I felt so sick, and I feel so sick, that only a good bout of crying can help me deal with it.

But enough. I have cried enough. I have let every memory flow through my head, (the good ones mind you) till they can hurt me no more.

I feel amused at myself for taking him so seriously. For taking life so seriously. For taking those memories so seriously.

I avoid reminiscing. That's the only solution. I don't want him to affect me anymore. There is no point in pondering, reflecting and remembering those good moments. They are gone. Gone.

Does it matter to the other individual concerned? The root cause of the turmoil?
Oh no it doesn't. Or maybe it did at some point. Or maybe I just stretched the matter so much that it lost its significance. After all how much can a person apologise? I accepted all the apologies, they showed he cared.

It takes time. The whole forgetting process. Well at least for someone like me who cares a bit too much.

So extreme. I'm capable of feeling a variety of emotions all in a day.
Is it wrong to be this way?

Sunday, 30 October 2011

the musings of a wannabe star: Life is too short to be anything but happy.

It's good to feel inspired :)
It's all about one's mindset actually.
Life sucks, everything seems to be going against you. What should you do?
You feel downcast.You are not able to enjoy anything wholeheartedly. But what are you to do if things are beyond your control?
Be stubborn. Convince yourself, your mind, that nothing can cheer you up.
Else try to lighten up your mood.
Be happy.
It isn't as difficult as it seems.
You just have to try :)

the musings of a wannabe star: Life is too short to be anything but happy.: I saw this quote while I was browsing Tumblr today: "life is too short to be anything but happy." It was one of those inspirational quote...

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Bittersweet Memories

Some good memories can turn bitter and haunt you. Pictures, songs, places..anything associated to that one special person around whom those memories revolve. How much should I try? I'm terrible when it comes to handling changes. Changes in a person.

Memories. They stay in my head, refusing to fade. Resurface early in the morning. Late at night. Only to hurt me.

I feel relieved to have resolved all the misunderstandings but those memories still linger.
It hits you hard when you realise the other person may not really bother about what worries you. What makes you get so worked up.

I wish I could feel nothing for once. I want to do away with feeling those extreme emotions. I wish that space in my mind wasn't occupied by those bittersweet memories. I wish there was a 'delete' button to erase them off. Precious time wouldn't be lost. That dense cloud of hurt and misery would clear and help me focus on matters of greater importance.

Petty but petulant.
Bitter but sweet.
Relieving but hurting.

So much for wishful thinking.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Imogen Heap - Canvas (Official Music Video) + Lyrics

1.06 A.M

Another minute .

1.07 A.M

I feel sleepy. Imogen Heap has put me in a trance.

The nothingness that envelops you when you close your eyes and breathe deeply. Shut the rest of the world out . Focus. Focus.

When you snap all connections from unwanted and trivial thoughts and just focus on the nothingness, the black canvas soothes you and transports you to another world.

When the black canvas fades, that's when I realise I'm sleepy.


Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Where Rainbows End

"You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of everyday just wondering what you're doing, where you are, who you're with and if you're OK.You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and who can protect you from your fears.You need someone who will treat you with respect, and love every part of you, especially your flaws.You should be with someone who can make you happy, really happy, dancing-on-air happy. Someone who should have taken the chance to be with you years ago instead of becoming scared and being too afraid to try."
- Words from Alex's e-mail to Rosie.
(Where Rainbows End by Cecelia Ahern)

It's true. Oh God. It is.
I'm turning into one of those much detested hopeless romantics.

I wouldn't label this book to be one of those stereotyped, sappy, passionate novels. Cecelia's choice of words, her unique approach to a much-beaten-to-death genre and the creation of absolutely heart-warming characters, definitely makes me want to read more of her books!

Reading this small extract, many are bound to think it is cliched. Cliched no doubt, but true.

I'm just eighteen. I haven't seen the world. I haven't experienced what they call, 'true love'. Infatuations, strong affection and attraction is something I have,obviously, felt. (Should it be obvious? Ah.Well.)

Impatient to feel every emotion, I forget that I have a whole life ahead of me. I still have all the time in the world to bump into Mr.Right , visit new places, live independently and well, experience those materialistic years of my life. There are so many memories yet to be created. So why hurry?

However, chancing upon some memorable lines in a book, does make one feel good, whether the reader is eighteen or fifty. I wouldn't call myself a hopeless romantic. I think I have changed my mind. It's good to feel all lovey-dovey once in a while, especially when you relate to the story.

"The end of the rainbow holds a pot of gold, or is where all your dreams come true. It is the place of fulfillment of your fondest goals."
- Anonymous.

There is still a long way to go till my rainbow ends. :)

Monday, 19 September 2011

Everything happens for a reason :)

So it has indeed been four months since I have blogged! Inspiration definitely comes along but, usually at night when slumber threatens to descend on me. Sigh. Also my laziness accounts for the long interval. I switch on the computer and Facebook screams, "COME CHECK YOUR NOTIFICATIONS!". What about blogging? All that is forgotten. Oops.

Probably this happened for a reason. Don't know what that is.

As cliched as it sounds, I have also been busy. Admissions, College, Goodbyes. Adjusting to the various changes that occurred over such a short span had seemed tough initially, but hey, I passed that stage eventually.

When I couldn't make it to the college of my choice, I was pretty much disheartened. Fergusson seemed to be the ultimate option as it offered the course I wanted. Moreover, I would see a lot of familiar faces out there. Highly popular,  it boasted of a great campus, surrounded by eateries, shops selling almost everything, from books to footwear and clothes. Commuting was the only drawback because travelling 11km, to and fro everyday would be tiresome.

I was confident I would sail through the entrance test and see my name on the first list. If not first, then the waiting list would surely reassure me. After appearing for the examination, I felt quite happy with the way I had fared. As the result-declaration day neared, I started getting the jitters. I began considering the other consequence. The growing anxiety on my face didn't go unnoticed by my mother. She decided to take a day off from work and go college-hunting with me. Of course I needed to keep my options open. Not many colleges offered Biotechnology as an undergraduate course. I knew she didn't mean to scare me, but thinking of the negative scenario was nerve racking. However, relying on just one college would be foolish, hence I went along with whatever Mum had in her mind. It was also distracting and definitely made me feel optimistic.

Ironically, the day we went college hunting coincided with the announcement of results. Since the latter was scheduled for the evening, we chalked out our agenda accordingly. Visiting Bharati Vidyapeet University was one of the major highlights of our hunt. (I won't mention the others, as I found none of the other colleges we visited, very appealing.) Somehow, I had always had my qualms about that place. The name itself sounded so 'uncool'. Had I voiced my opinions, mum would have cancelled our plan out of pure irritation. I kept my inhibitions aside and entered the University with my mother.

Call it the breeze blowing in the campus or the vibes of the location, but somehow the atmosphere out there lured me to explore the place and infused some hope into me. We visited the Rajiv Gandhi Institute for IT and Biotechnology, which was our main objective. The office staff were welcoming and pleasant. Details for the entrance examination and a brief over view of the course were given. There was something good about this place, after all. The cloud of apprehension in my mind cleared and I rejoiced to think that I did have another option as a back up.

Our mission was successful. But the moment we stepped out of the college, the persistent worry returned. It was time to check my results in Fergusson. All though I was tense, I couldn't help but think about the other option which gave me some relief.

Scanning frantically for my name in the list, I could feel disappointment creeping up slowly. Where the hell was my name? I checked the waiting list as well, but  it wasn't to be seen. My worst fears were confirmed.

I was upset. I had already imagined myself bunking lectures, giggling with my friends, participating in Oorja, the college festival ; in short having the time of my life out here. Mum consoled me by reassuring that my name was sure to be in the lists that followed. 'You still have a chance to make it through to another equally esteemed college in hand. Don't let go off that now.'she said. All hope wasn't lost. I cheered up a bit.

Over the next two weeks I worked hard to achieve what I wanted. Meanwhile I didn't give up on Fergusson. I would ring up the college office daily, to enquire about the upcoming list only to get a negative response.I didn't lose hope. Keep working towards your next goal, I told myself.

I was rewarded, of course. Fergusson wasn't meant for me. I passed the entrance examination with flying colours and was granted immediate admission into RITBT, Bharati Vidyapeet, the place with soothing vibes. A new place, new teachers, new friends, a new start. The first day wasn't interesting considering everyone was unknown to me. However, making friends wasn't a challenge. A large percent of the students comprise hostel-ites, especially immigrants from Bihar, pleasant and friendly. Getting accustomed to a new surrounding with new elements hardly took time. Everything about this college appeals to me.

Irony was yet to play a role. The day my name appeared on the final merit list of RGITBT, I received a call from the main office of Fergusson, offering me a seat in the Biotech course.  The woman was impatient. She wanted me to decide immediately and answer her. This was something I had waited for desperately. Calling the main office daily, only to get disappointed, had been unpleasant. But, Fergusson was finally welcoming me into its premises , promising exciting college days. What was I to do?

I kept the line on hold and dialled my mother's number. Her answer was simple. "Just follow your heart. I will support your decision, whatever it may be."

"Hello! Aap ko admission lena hai ki nahi?" questioned the shrill voice, once I had retrieved the line. I declined the offer.

I don't regret having made this decision. I can say, without a trace of hesitation, that I'm happy studying at RGITBT. Cool? Yes it is. College is fun :)

Everything happens for a reason. Yes.

Saturday, 23 April 2011


So I have this tendency to associate songs with people; by people I mean my close friends and family members. For the time being I'll stick to friends. This odd habit of mine either lightens my mood or depresses me. Without memories life would definitely be dull. Reminiscing gives me great satisfaction but sometimes I really wish there was a 'Rewind' button that I could hit , that would take me down memory lane.

I'm on the brink of nostalgia right now. So here are some Musociations I have made :)

'Lemon Tree' by Fool's Garden.
One of our favourite numbers that we love singing together :)

'My Sharona' by The Knack.
Time to kick some ass! I remember the time we played it so loud that it drowned the sound of the doorbell! Apologies to my sister who finally lost her patience and started banging the door with all her might.

'Smile'  by Uncle Kracker.
You make me smile for the silliest reason. I guess that's why you are my best friend :)

All the Celtic numbers, my favourite one being 'Mood'. Always reminds me of you.:)

Any Carrie Underwood song, the best ones being 'Before he cheats' and 'Undo it'!
Rihanna's 'Rude Boy', Eminem's 'Love the way you lie' and 'Are you gonna be my girl' by Jet. Ah! the good old bike days. We ended up reaching school ten minutes late everyday.  

'Leave the pieces' by The Wreckers
This will always be our special song. I hope we make a good cover of this song someday. :)

'Sheila ki Jawani'
Belly dancing woohoo! You beat Katrina Kaif hollow!

I think I became a big Greenday fan after you gave me the whole '21st Century Breakdown' album on my pen-drive. 'East Jesus Nowhere', 'Peacemaker' and 'Restless Heart Syndrome' are my favourites.
To add to this, 'Give Me Novocaine' also reminds me of you.

Eminem's 'Must be the Ganja'. Kind of retarded, somewhat like you ;). I received the first few lines via sms just before you flew to Toronto. I still don't know what made you do that.

'Violet Hill' by Coldplay.
Ok whenever I hear this song I imagine you building a snowman on some purplish coloured hill. 

'Roxaaanne you don't have to put on the red light,
The days are over, you don't have to sell your body to the night.'
I'm obsessed with this song at the moment. I wish we could perform this one too!

'21 Guns' by Greenday.
Remember our disastrous attempt to perform this one for a so-called Poetry Recital program in school?
I will never forget that oh-we-are-so-fucked look we gave each other when we lost sync.

'Roadhouse Blues'  by The Doors.
'LET IT ROLL BAYYYBEE ROLL!' .Our favourite lunch-break song. :)

'Cindrella Man'  by Eminem.
Eminem rocks! This one is my favourite ;)

'The Look' by Roxette.
I still don't get the lyrics of the song except the 'Nanananana nananana na na, she's got the look!'
The song is sexy, just like you. ;)

'They don't really care about us' by MJ.
Ok I still don't know why this song reminds me of you but it is super catchy :)

'Munni Badnaam' from Dabangg.
You are a pro at the 'Main-jhandu-balm-hui' step. I still want to dance with you on this number.

'American Idiot' by Greenday.
St.Patrick's House picnic in tenth grade. We sang it ( the censored version of course ) throughout the bus journey. It was awesome!

'I'm just a kid' by Simple Plan.
Life was a nightmare in eleventh grade.We found good comfort in each other as we discussed our woes near the canteen, eating samosa sandwiches.

'The way I are' by Timbaland.
We danced like maniacs on this song on your birthday. We came up with weird moves!
'Please don't stop the music' by Rihanna
Because of your ringtone!

"Another head hangs lowly,
Child is slowly taken.
And the..ummm I forgot..dammit
Ok lets jump to the chorus!
In your head
In your head
zombieee zombieeee
zombie ey ey ey ey oh!!"
I hope you learn the lyrics completely and make me happy someday. Hahaha!

 'Dil hai chota sa choti si aasha' by Rahman.
I can't think of anyone but you whenever I hear this song. 
Rahman fans forevaa!

'Summer of '69' by Bryan Adams.
It was the best time of my life when we performed this song together. :)

'Tears don't fall' by BFMV.
'If Liverpool loses, tears will fall man.' I wanted to laugh out aloud when you said that but I supported your favourite team anyway.

'Wonderwall' and 'Importance of Being Idle' by Oasis.
You got me addicted to Oasis. :)

'I don't wanna miss a thing' by Aerosmith.
I was upset after failing Math and you sent me this song via Yahoo. I love it :)

'Fireflies'  by Owl City.
I love it when you sing this song. It suits you to the core! Dreamy, somewhat like you ;)

'Hey Jude' by The Beatles.
That was the first time I heard you sing, You were really good on stage. :)

'Hard Day's Night' by The Beatles.
The night before the Biology Prelim exam. It was a hard night as well, considering you hadn't touched your Biology book.

'Aal izz well'  from the film 'Three Idiots'
You gave me moral support before we appeared for that disastrous Physics exam in school. Fortunately we passed!

'Thousand Miles' by Vanessa Carlton.
We were singing this song by the pool. That was fun! :)

'Butterfly' by Crazy Town.
You were addicted to this song for a while and got me addicted too!

'Bounce' from the movie Step-up.
You are an awesome dancer. Hip-hop is your genre! :)

'As long as you love me' by BSB.
You sang this song in your own style. ;)

I guess there are many more musociations but these are some I can recall for the time being.
They make me happy, they do :)

Tuesday, 12 April 2011


The very fact that I'm actually posting stuff in my own blog amazes me. Not that I don't enjoy writing but this could turn out to be one of my fads. I hope that doesn't happen and I hope I keep posting regularly. Okay enough of hopes. It's time to go ahead and express myself through words. :)

Three weeks ago I rejoiced after my Board Examinations ended .With great ideas and plans almost spilling out of my head , I was sure a crazy summer awaited me though the Indian sytem of education wants to torture a seventeen year old with  AIPMT, AFMC, AIIMS,CET and other irksome entrance examinations required to get into esteemed medical colleges. I decided I wouldn't buckle under their pressure and would definitely keep some (= majority) time for relaxing.

Haha those plans and ideas seemed to have faded somehow. Maybe due to the oppressive weather. Maybe due to some family issues. Maybe because I'm too lazy. Maybe the noveltly of the freedom wore off within a span of a week. Whatever it is, all I have been doing is brooding and analysing ; true to my nature. Not to mention the obvious, my guitar and good music keeps me going. Meeting close pals in the evening , movies, books, practice tests , Facebook and well now this blog has also contributed.

I pray regularly, especially for my grandad who is suffering from neuro-endocrinal cancer. Cliched as it sounds, I have realised that the power which we worship, commonly known as God, can be a faithful and comforting friend. Infact better than those who cut themselves off from you just randomly. (I have this tendency to ramble, so bear with it.) Sometimes I really wonder if I'm a good friend. Maybe my efforts to show genuine concern and affection come across as annoying. (Oh! She is such a pain.) I admit I'm touchy and senstive and tend to overreact sometimes but come on, absurd behaviours irk me. However as Mum says, one ought to be thick-skinned under these circumstances and not care too much. Hard as it is for someone as touchy as me, I'm trying my best to follow her advice.

I have a good power of imagination. I imagine I'm performing for an audience that seems endless. A sea of appreciative and receptive individuals who are enjoying my compositions. It's amazing. It can actually happen. Hard work and determination can pay off. At this moment, this picture gives me great satisfaction.
I need to keep boredom away. These thoughts flit in and out of my head and tend to keep that monster away.
But they trouble me at night. Stupid as it sounds I cry for no reason at times.