Monday, 31 October 2011

Small joys :)

It's just one of those days when I sit thinking about those things that actually bring a smile on my face. :)

1. Strings, especially the fifth and the third. Don't ask me why.

2. Random messages from friends. Depends on the extent of randomness.

3. The taste of South Indian Filter coffee

4. A fully loaded wallet

5. Digging my feet deep into sand

6. Drinking tea out of a porcelain tea cup

7. Reading an engrossing book on a chilly night, cuddled up in an extremely cosy blanket.

8. Blue ink pens

9. Yellowed pages

10. The smell of old books

11. The hair-style transformation after I step out of a beauty parlour.

12. When my favourite song plays on the radio..

13. Unexpected holidays!

14. Staring into a dog's eyes. The warmth and the friendliness radiating out of them.

15. The feeling after having had a good cry

16. The smell of Pear's soap. It's my favourite. :)

17. The early morning breeze

18. The stillness and quiet of the house when everybody else is asleep.

19. Mornings minus the frequent tantrums thrown by my sister.

20. Playing with Mum's hair.

21. Blogging haha :)

22. Crayons and sketch pens

23. The smell of Dad's cupboard

24. The shadows that my bedside lamp throws on the marble floor

25. Clean windows

26. The smell of chocolate

27. Red sweaters or pull-overs

28. Road trips!

29. The sudden crazy temptation to buy everything, on entering a mall.

30. Airports :)

31. Take off! Zwoooooosh!

32. Landing! Thuddd!

33. Watching B-grade movies in a flight out of sheer boredom. Ironically, they stay in your head!

34. The smell of burnt matchsticks

35. A good hair day

36. Birthdays!

37. The satisfaction after resolving a misunderstanding

38.Passing by particular places and remembering the memories associated with them.

39. Family vacations!

40. Staying up till 3 in the morning, chatting with a close friend. :)

41. Stalking cute guys on facebook

42. Catching a cute guy staring at me

43. Saying hello to kaamvaali bais :)

44. When gulps of water relieve my parched tongue and throat

45. The perfect facebook profile picture

46. Bathroom singing

47. Strumming random tunes

48. The effect of inspirational books, movies, songs ,blogs etc

49. Resting my head on my Paati's (grandmother) lap

50. The smell of Paati's saaris

51. Ponds talcum powder

52. Getting excited to meet an old friend after ages!

53. When someone replies instantly to my SMSes

54. Storing memorable messages in my inbox and reading them when I feel low.

55. Wearing new clothes for the first time!

56. Salivating on seeing my favourite dish when I'm ravenous

57. When pimples recede from my face

58. Satisfaction on scoring well in my exams!

59. Being punctual on rare occasions

60. Raindrops on my face :)

The above list follows no sequence.
 Shall be updated, time and again


"You can give everything you have to a person. You can love them with all you have. Then you realize they aren't the person you loved. You loved someone who was made up. You opened up to someone who couldn't even be honest about who they were. And you sit there feeling repulsed at yourself. How could I have missed this? You ask yourself angrily. How could I have been so naive? 
You start to reflect on every moment, every touch, every laugh. Was it real? Was any of it real? When's the last time things were right? And you just make yourself sad. You dig yourself a deep hole and you just sit in the bottom of it alone. Wondering why you ever gave in and trusted someone in the first place. "

- 'the musings of a wannabe star'

I have always been extreme when it comes to emotions. Be it love, anger, sadness or fear.
I overreact. I hyperventilate. I get extremely curious. When I open up to someone I pour out all my woes and worries to him or her. I analyze, ponder and worry too much.  I'm predictable. I get easily provoked. Overly affectionate, may I add. I can give my one hundred percent to someone I'm dearly fond of.

And that's when the trust breaks.

I never thought I was one for crying. Tears never spilled out that easily from my eyes. It had to be something earth shattering or nerve racking that would make me break down. But soon enough I was proved wrong.

I loved dearly. I'm still afraid to let go. I lie to everyone and to myself about things being okay. Nothing is okay. My best friends are tired and annoyed of suggesting the same thing to me over and over again. Forget it. Forget everything and everyone you associated with it. Let go. If someone affects you so much, the ideal solution is to keep yourself away from him . But do I pay heed to all of that? No.

Recently my friend's boyfriend tried to convince me to distant myself from this individual. He could read my mind. My stubbornness. My weakness. My sadness. My inability to avoid people. My fear. He could very well see that I was stuck at the bottom of a deep hole, and was struggling to get out of it. Hearing him point out my flaws infuriated me. I am used to people expressing their views diplomatically. Not boldly or bluntly as he put it. I was angry but deep inside I felt so sick, and I feel so sick, that only a good bout of crying can help me deal with it.

But enough. I have cried enough. I have let every memory flow through my head, (the good ones mind you) till they can hurt me no more.

I feel amused at myself for taking him so seriously. For taking life so seriously. For taking those memories so seriously.

I avoid reminiscing. That's the only solution. I don't want him to affect me anymore. There is no point in pondering, reflecting and remembering those good moments. They are gone. Gone.

Does it matter to the other individual concerned? The root cause of the turmoil?
Oh no it doesn't. Or maybe it did at some point. Or maybe I just stretched the matter so much that it lost its significance. After all how much can a person apologise? I accepted all the apologies, they showed he cared.

It takes time. The whole forgetting process. Well at least for someone like me who cares a bit too much.

So extreme. I'm capable of feeling a variety of emotions all in a day.
Is it wrong to be this way?

Sunday, 30 October 2011

the musings of a wannabe star: Life is too short to be anything but happy.

It's good to feel inspired :)
It's all about one's mindset actually.
Life sucks, everything seems to be going against you. What should you do?
You feel downcast.You are not able to enjoy anything wholeheartedly. But what are you to do if things are beyond your control?
Be stubborn. Convince yourself, your mind, that nothing can cheer you up.
Else try to lighten up your mood.
Be happy.
It isn't as difficult as it seems.
You just have to try :)

the musings of a wannabe star: Life is too short to be anything but happy.: I saw this quote while I was browsing Tumblr today: "life is too short to be anything but happy." It was one of those inspirational quote...

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Bittersweet Memories

Some good memories can turn bitter and haunt you. Pictures, songs, places..anything associated to that one special person around whom those memories revolve. How much should I try? I'm terrible when it comes to handling changes. Changes in a person.

Memories. They stay in my head, refusing to fade. Resurface early in the morning. Late at night. Only to hurt me.

I feel relieved to have resolved all the misunderstandings but those memories still linger.
It hits you hard when you realise the other person may not really bother about what worries you. What makes you get so worked up.

I wish I could feel nothing for once. I want to do away with feeling those extreme emotions. I wish that space in my mind wasn't occupied by those bittersweet memories. I wish there was a 'delete' button to erase them off. Precious time wouldn't be lost. That dense cloud of hurt and misery would clear and help me focus on matters of greater importance.

Petty but petulant.
Bitter but sweet.
Relieving but hurting.

So much for wishful thinking.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Imogen Heap - Canvas (Official Music Video) + Lyrics

1.06 A.M

Another minute .

1.07 A.M

I feel sleepy. Imogen Heap has put me in a trance.

The nothingness that envelops you when you close your eyes and breathe deeply. Shut the rest of the world out . Focus. Focus.

When you snap all connections from unwanted and trivial thoughts and just focus on the nothingness, the black canvas soothes you and transports you to another world.

When the black canvas fades, that's when I realise I'm sleepy.