Can vs Can't

Another New Year resolution -

Replacing an 'I can't' statement with an 'I can'. Okay, that doesn't mean that I'll say stuff like "Hey, I CAN  be a real bitch!". It means saying stuff like "Hey, I can master classical guitar-ing!" and implementing it too, duh.

I underestimate myself, often not aware of the loser-attitude that creeps into my nature. Like the time my hands kept trembling while handling a bacterial culture in the Microbiology laboratory, because all that was going in my head that time was, "Fuck, I can't be so precise while streaking the media with bacteria!". That was embarrassing. Not to mention the amused stares of my colleagues and teacher.

I want to sing before an appreciative audience (Note the use of  the word 'appreciative' because it sucks to sing before a sea of blank faces, who applaud politely once I'm done with my performance but clearly do not comprehend the lyrics. Nevertheless, it's less terrifying). I can sing. I love singing. But I feel nervous at the thought of facing a multitude of faces, riveted at me, grasping the music and lyrics. I think I can't muster the guts to present them with a flawless performance. I think I'll pass out.

I get frustrated easily with myself. I can't tolerate myself when I get indecisive. There goes. Can't. I could probably handle and endure myself if I learnt the art of being decisive. Yes, it's definitely an art. An acquired skill that's a necessity. I will deny having been indecisive while choosing a career path. That is one thing I have prided myself for. I was firm. I knew what I wanted. I knew I could. I know I can.

It's occasional but low self confidence does tend to enter my system, stealthily and then becomes conspicuous by manifesting in the form of indecisiveness, under estimation and hesitation. There's no point wishing for it to go away as it will, inadvertently, if I 'can' do away with it. I don't know which part of me gets convinced by the 'can't' but sometimes, that part manages to convince me into avoiding the challenge and the non-comfort zone.

The 'can't' keeps me cozy in the comfort zone. There's absolutely no need for me to go that extra mile. But that comes with a price. A sense of regret. I could have done it. Maybe? And then I look at ineptitude and silently exclaim to myself, "I could have done it better goddamn it!". If only I wasn't so unsure of myself.

The path taken by 'Can' is obviously challenging, demanding and uncomfortable. It can be terribly difficult too. But 'Can' mostly makes you smile triumphantly in the end. Similar to wearing orthodontic braces for three years which involves staying away from chewing gum, bhutta and coke, not directly biting into a juicy apple or a supercheesy pizza and of course, cringing in embarrassment on looking at your shiny metallic teeth in pictures. But hey, once they are off, there is no dearth of compliments, you smile freely, and bite, nibble and chew hard on anything edible. It's all good.

Have you ever wondered that there is a trace of 'I don't want to' or 'I am afraid to' in every 'can't'? Of course I can be terribly mingy and sick. But I don't want to be that way. I could have ignored those every single individual who illogically hurtful to me. But I couldn't because I didn't want to. Because it went against my nature. And I was afraid to do so.

It's a bit strange but Carl Allen from 'Yes Man' is oddly inspiring at times like these.

YES MAN I CAN.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get the urge to holler "Why the fuck did YOU change?!"

At whom, you may ask. At those whom I knew well once upon a time. At those who have become strangers now. At those who lied and continue to lie that they won't change. Cheats. Why be so pompous and say things they won't ever mean, in a century to come?

Everything about them has changed. From mannerisms to appearance. I look at old photographs on Facebook. The difference glares at me. Should I feel sad? Should I feel frustrated? Or should I simply not care? The third alternative is the hardest. But that's the best one.

"We used to be such good friends." The constant usage of 'used to' implies Change.

I log out of Facebook.

Sometimes, it's better to move on and repress that annoying urge.

The sublime genius :)

Dear John Mayer,

When I hear your velvety voice and watch your fingers move swiftly across the fretboard and strings, producing the perfect euphony, I feel everything's going to be alright. I feel Bliss. I feel Happy. Smiles. Feeling stupidly romantic at times. Sometimes melancholic. They comfort me, the toe-tapping, bouncy yet soothing tunes with words that complement them perfectly . They do. Your guitar-ing frustrates me at times and inspires me to get better at my skills. Maybe you are just an obsession. But, your songs will remain in my head for a long time to come.

Yes, you would find those ardent bunch of haters who find your songs simpering and sappy. Fair enough, they are entitled to their opinions. I won't deny having had my share of sappy moments. But hey, there's always a song to suit my mood. :)

All I want to say is, thank you for cheering me up with those quaint yet addictive tunes that sound so simple yet so complex. For those words that make me smile. :)

Cheers,

An obsessive music enthusiast
:)

P.S : I love you.

As bold as Hendrix

Drifted into the Hendrix mood.

His songs have ALWAYS inspired me to get better at my guitar-ing skills.

Ah. I love you.

~Anger, he smiles,
Towering in shiny metallic purple armour,
Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind him,
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground~

~Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted,
They quietly understand,
Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,
But wonder why the fight is on
But they're all bold as love, yeah, they're all bold as love
Yeah, they're all bold as love
Just ask the axis~

:)